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How to figure people out - Machiavelli Psychology - Profiling
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How to figure people out - Machiavelli Psychology - Profiling
Figure people out
Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good. Hence a prince who wants to keep his authority must learn now not to be good, and use that knowledge, or refrain from using it, as a necessity requires.
-Niccolo Machiavelli, 1469-1527
In 1862 a man, named Otto Von Bismarck, became prime minister of Prussia. He was known for his ambition to lead his country against hatred Austria. However, apart from his King William, most people in the government did not share the same opinion: They considered such an idea, wrong for their country and considered Bismarck as someone dangerous, holding now a very sensitive position. Bismarck knew that his position was being dug from beneath and that if he didn't act immediately, sooner or later people would make sure that he would be removed from that post.
Only one week later from his debut as a premier, Bismarck entered a room full of ministers and gave an amazing speech, stunning all of his audience: Not only he didn't try to hide out his ambitions but even more, he advocated the preparation of a new German army. He concluded his speech by saying: 'The great questions of the time will be decided, not by speeches and resolutions of majorities, but by iron and blood'. By the end of the speech, all the people in the room were numb. In the few days that followed, the ensemble of the government seemed to turn against him and even the queen started screaming to her husband William that Bismarck should be removed and if not they would both probably end up like the French kings ... beheaded.
Bullied from all sides, King William asked Bismarck to come to his palace to have a discussion. However, Otto Von Bismarck was a man that did his homework: He had studied his King from head to toe and he knew what his thumbscrew was.
When they met, King William started saying that if Bismarck would continue to spread his ideas, they would both end up guillotined. To his king surprise, Bismarck answered:
"Then we shall die! We must die sooner or later, and could there be a more respectable way of dying ? I should die fighting for the cause of my king and master. Your Majesty would die sealing with your own blood your royal rights granted by God's grace. Whether upon the scaffold or upon the battlefield makes no difference to the glorious staking of body and life on behalf of rights granted by God's grace!".
Bismarck knew that his King had a military background, a deep sense of honour and that he was being bullied by everyone. He had understood that despite the fact that he was being influenced by his wife, deep inside he wanted to be a bold and mighty King. In the days following their meeting, the King surprised all his ministers and gave his prime minister the green light to expand Prussia's army program. In the years that came Bismarck led Prussia into a war with Austria, crushing the former empire and establishing one powerful German country.
Why would you want to figure out another person ?
So me and you we are not Prime ministers and we are not Kings. Why should we try to read someone else ?? First and foremost, by profiling people, you will have generally less conflicts. This will happen because you will start to understand better THEIR view of the world. Second, by being able to tell who is the person sitting at the other end of the table, you will automatically become a very powerful communicator. Third, at some point you will start to develop a certain empathy that stops the limiting, human instinct of avoiding anyone that doesn't look or behave exactly like me and you. However, the most important reason to profile someone, is the following one: Better prediction accuracy. If this isn't making you dance Lambada, let me put it differently: You will be able to manipulate people much better than before. Being more manipulative, as Michael Hall put it, is something good that will enable you to handle your self and others more effectively and respectfully.
How do you read someone ??
a) The first step you will have to take is to be ready to read. This is NOT as simple as it sounds. You may be standing in front of something as big and as obvious, as the mountain Fuji, and you may STILL miss it altogether. In order to perform a successful read, you must stop whatever else you are doing and pay attention to what the other person is telling or showing you, using all of your senses.
b) Know what you are searching for: People are really complicated and if you don't know what you are looking for, you can get easily lost. The type of lost that we are talking about is not the one that you will get, if you miss a turn while driving in the city. The kind of lost we are talking about is the one that Alice in wonderland felt: Complete and absurd.
c) Learn how to listen:
Do NOT interrupt.
Do NOT condemn or patronize.
Make sure that your Body Language stays neutral. If not, it will have an impact on the speaker and as a result he or she will try to say what she thinks you want to hear.
Learn how to listen using ALL of your senses.
d) Always have some good, open ended questions at hand: They will help the conversation to keep going and they will make your target talk more about herself.
e) If someone tries to take the conversation away from where you want to take it, ask him why.
f) Now watch out for one of the following:
-Slang: Bad grammar, trendy sayings and colloquialisms. If they can be turned on and off at will, then something is strange.
-Profanity: How often is it used ? What is its significance ?
-Bragging: This shows arrogance, some ego situation, possible insecurity served with a touch of lying.
-Exaggeration: It is a sure sign of dishonesty and maybe a sign of low self esteem.
-Self Criticism: A bit is OK but if it is driven to extremes, it may reveal a deep insecurity.
-Gossip: A classic tool of the unhappy, insecure and manipulative.
-Humour: If it is lighthearted it is OK, but if it is sarcastic it says a lot about the jokester.
-Sarcasm: If it is used too often, it shows some insecurity and if it is quite aggressive you may be dealing with someone insecure and quite selfish. However, if kept in logical doses, it is a great tool of making a point.
g) Look out for the things someone is doing and not only for the things someone is saying. If his acts are incongruent with his sayings then pay attention to his doings. For example: If someone likes you even if his sayings are sarcastic, he may act in a way that he will protect you. In that case blame the game and not the player because he doesn't mean bad to you.
h) Remember: Mistakes are things we do once or maybe twice. If the same pattern is repeated many times, it is no longer a mistake and excuses are no longer enough.
Surface Patterns (Behavior):
-Fanfare: It means insecurity.
-Selfishness: In any form it may appear, it means that someone is egocentric, jealous, insecure and really but REALLY competitive.
-Performance under fire: It is at those moments under pressure that people show their true character.
-Avoidance: What someone is NOT doing says as much as what someone IS doing.
-Moralizing: People that preach and moralize either they have a secret agenda or they are trying to hide the fact that they are afraid of something.
-Spending habits: Any extremes in this category shows some insecurity.
-Trust your intuition: Intuition is nothing more than your subconscious that has realised of something but you haven't verbalised yet.
-Search for anything unusual: The extreme habits show a lot about his character.
From the surface to the deep - Onion.
Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, used to say that most of us have a personality that looks very much like an onion: In the center you have the Id, a very simple component that all it wants is immediate gratification and self-Pleasure thus following the ... Pleasure Principle. Built around the Id, there is a second entity called the Ego, which basically is a system that helps the Id to find and acquire all those pleasures it requires by adapting its needs to the reality of our world (Reality Principle). Around those two you have the Super Ego which consists of all the programming society has given to us and thus following ... the Morality Principle.
I really like the world thus. It has a kind of old school glamour.
Those three entities work like a triple pendulum: They swing and interact giving all the small (or bigger...) moods what we perceive as our personality. Now, all these are great and they may be useful to impress some first year psychology student at a bar but they will never let you figure out what someone's next move will be. Not to mention, that there are FAR better ways to impress students at bars. Side note about psychology students, Freud and alcohol: One interesting thing with alcohol is that if you drink hard enough, you can chase Ego and Superego away and leave the Id all by its self to face the realities of the bar: Not a good idea. Let's see the lovely above in another way:
Strategies, Goals, End Goals and a need to achieve them.
Most of us have an end goal that we want to achieve. That goal is happiness which arises when we have satisfied some need. The road to our end goal can pass from different intermediate goals and thus forming a path AKA strategy.
Example: Maria wants of feel happy. To feel happy she must fulfill her need for reproduction, which means among other things that she must have sex. Maria also wants physical security , which in order to achieve she will need a man: This is because her neural circuit is hundred of thousands years old and at that time men were necessary for protecting their families. To meet both needs, she must seduce one. For that reason she puts her high heels, she wears some revealing, sexy top and then she hits the bars with her friends. There she jumps in the middle, dances like crazy, while she knows that men and women are watching her. As she is doing that, her Ego recognises that if men are watching her, it must mean that she is on her way to achieve the sub goal of getting the man she wants. Even better, if other women are watching her, it must mean that she is hard competition for most of them and thus that she has a potential power - Referent Power for being able to associate her self with someone important. All along this crazy roller coaster, her Ego is rewarding her by giving her small bursts of happiness. The Ego doesn't need to achieve the End Goal to make her satisfied: Maria doesn't need to get the man that night, she only needs to show to her self that she has the capability of achieving it. All the above are mostly transparent to Maria: It is the unconscious that runs the house.
“People are not lazy. They simply have impotent goals / that is, goals that do not inspire them.”
- Anthony Robbins quote
Abraham Maslow was an American psychologist that grew up in Brooklyn, NY and was primarily interested in primate dominance behavior and sexuality. In an original paper, he coined the term hierarchy of needs showing that every person has a series of needs he has to fulfill in order to fill happy. Some are more important than others, creating thus an hierarchy.
Different persons have adopted different strategies to meet those needs. Many of them for example are looping backwithout actually achieving what they really need but by still provoking the end result: happiness. They achieve that by fooling their neurology.
Two examples given: Masturbation is a common act and our body cannot tell really the difference between a real sex act and a good hand job. We can go through the same feelings and achieve the same gratification without really having fulfilled the need for reproduction. Someone can argue, that having sex with a condom, does NOT lead to reproduction either: Both acts fail to meet the End Goal. However, the act of sex is much more closer to the End Goal as it shows that the Ego has succeeded to find some form of social strategy that could lead us with an offspring .
David is a guy, who enjoys being heavily sarcastic to the point that makes people feel bad. He enjoys destabilising people using stupid arguments. He does that because by making them feel less powerful, he tricks his Ego to think that he is on his way to achieve some form of social power and thus security. He compares himself with his 'victims' and says: "Hey, I am more powerful than him". He has adopted that strategy through the years without knowing why: He just does it. There is no point to mention how relevant is this to: drugs, soap operas, certain type of mainstream films, television and alcohol....
So, What ?? I'll tell you what !
If you manage to understand the complex of needs a person has, you are on your way to find what motivates him. If you manage to understand the underlying goals, you are on your way to understand a very big part of that puzzle: you have detected his thumbscrew and you will be able to move and motivate someone with VERY little effort from your part. This is ... Physics my friend: It is known as Resonance.
Some needs are obvious: The need for money can lead a person to be always on the hunt for opportunities to make money. However, there exist needs that are much more hidden: The need to feel that someone is 'coping' with things can produce a character that whenever he finds a technical challenge, he will fight day or night to get it done. This kind of need is good and empowering and should be cultivated. Such a geeky individual can be made happy simply by making him think that he is more clever or more artful than someone else. These things are good to know for your self. It will help you control your self and not venture in an adventure that, even though it may attract you, in the long run it may cost you more than it will offer you. It will make you less prone to manipulation.
Darn long list of character traitsDISCLAIMER: This list is loong ... and tedious. Did I mention tedious ?? Well, if it is tedious to read, imagine how tedious it is to write everything down. Anyway, the reason this list exists is to be able to pick and examine a trait you find interesting. While you are having a look... I am going to have a beer and screw my head back where it was before I started writing that list...
As you read the list, bear in mind that you can learn about your self as much as you can learn about others. However, before you point the analytic camera towards someone else, do your self a favor and point it towards yourself.
Chunking size: Whole picture VS Details When you are learning something do you focus on the details or on the bigger picture ?
Relationship sort: Sameness VS Difference When you meet somebody new, do you focus on the things you have in common or on the things you differ ? People that focus on the sameness will speak about "What they have in common" and people that focus on differences will talk about "What they have different". Those in the second domain can often fell in a category called Polarity responders: Their brain is so hardwired in differences that they will always try to do the opposite from what you propose them, making them thus highly predictive.
Sensing VS Intuition: When you are about to learn something new, how much time do you spend on actually observing your environment and how much time on thinking by your self.
Black n' White VS Continuum In the first category you have people that like to divide things in clear cut categories and in the second one, you have people that see the full continuum between black and white. The first you will often hear them talk about someone being "bad" and "good" or "wrong" and "right".
Optimist VS Pessimist In these categories there are people that tend to see the best case scenarios or the worst case scenarios. The same people tend to see a glass of water either "half full" or "half empty". You can hear them talk about challenges, dreams, solutions or on the other hand about problems, threats and difficulties.
Focus sort: Screeners VS Non-Screeners People in the first category will have the tendency to screen out a lot of information from their environment while people in the second category will tend to notice a lot of details. You can tell when you meet a Non Screener if he is easily distracted by the environment and when he retains a lot of details about places he visits.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
- Groucho Marx
Why VS How 'Why' people tend to ask themselves why something has happened while 'How' people will ask themselves how they can change it or repair it. People in the first category are notorious for getting stuck in psychological dead ends, endlessly trying to find out why something in life has occurred to them and what does that mean. On the other hand people in the the how category will find solutions and hacks to almost anything in life. Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. - Charles D. Warner
Process VS Static People in the first category understand that their states (emotional, life etc) are ever evolving processes and that they can improve their situation at any moment. People on the second category wrongly believe that whatever happens to them is part of a static long lasting situation. There is no point to say that the second kind of people have also a hard time to get over things because they don't realise that they have the option to change them.
Associated VS Disassociated
When you process some form of challenge do you do it using your feelings or do you manage to keep your feelings out ?? The best solution seems to be, something between the two extremes, which by the way, they are called "Super sensitive mode" and "Computer mode".
Emotional Directional Sort. When a feeling comes in your life does it spread in every domain and aspect of your life or do you keep it contained in the domain it started ??
Emotional Intensity: Surgent people want excitement and plenty of surprises to live their life happily while on the other hand insurgent people need calmness and a quite life without surprises.
Direction Sort Do you run away from negative goals or do you move towards positive goals ?? Adapting Do you prefer a clear cut procedure or do you prefer your options open ??
Primary Interest People tend to fall in six categories from what interests them the most
People
Places
Things
Activities
Information
Time
Judging VS Perceiving
The people of the first category want to control everything in their environment while the people of the second category prefer to 'float' around and adapt to whatever comes their way. What about cats that fell in the first category ??
How do you strive to achieve a goal ??
Do you focus on the end criteria ? Do you focus on the process of getting there ? Or are you a scepticist that sabotages your way to success ??
Emotional style
When some threat arises do you react passively by doing nothing, do you move to fight that threat aggressively or do you fight for your ground by being assertive ?
Responsibility
Over responsible people take all the blame on themselves while under responsible people tend to forget their responsibilities.
Battery Rejuvenation
Introvert people prefer to load their batteries by staying away from many people while Extrovert people load their batteries by interacting with other people. My cousin is a salesman that enjoys interacting with people. He is the happiest extrovert, I've ever seen. These people want to make friends and they are made to be social. They are excellent in meeting people and working in public-relations-type of jobs. While they seem to glow in big rooms full of people, take one of them and put him in a room by him self and you will see what 'boredom' means. At the other end of this spectrum, you have those introvert engineers that they have coded more words in some software program, than they have spoken during their entire life. I wanted to say something funny to combine those two characters but I didn't find any. Damn.
Comparison sort Qualitative people prefer to listen to instructions in general directions while quantitative people want exact figures and statistics before they venture in some endeavor.
Knowledge sort When you are learning something new like an art, a science or even a sport, do you prefer to model the art before you start doing it (theory) or do you prefer to get started right away, in order to get first a personal experience (practice) ??
Completion: Closers \ Non Closers Do you usually enjoy completing your projects, till the last drop or do you leave them in the middle to under take something new and more interesting ?? I know a guy that sits really well on that second category, having an immense kick start but always leaving jobs and girlfriends wanting for more, while he is on his way to something new. He has quite an interesting CV by the way...
Temper to Instruction There are people who can tolerate any type of instruction from authority figures and others, who will get angry with the slightest demand. Those second, rebellion types are hardly ever good material for military service.
Self Esteem: High VS Low ... At my left we have Mr.SuperCoolHighEsteem weighing one ton and measuring 3 meters and at my left... Well, that thing that lies on the floor...
The way you feel time Are you living in the NOW, are you living in the Past or are you minding of the Future ??
Do you have a sense of time AT ALL ?? Are you someone who visualises him self in time and thus being quite on time or are you someone that doesn't have a sense of time and as a result he ... is always late for appointements ??
Ego Drive Size
Some people will do whatever passes from their hand to show that they are 'best': They strive always to prove they are doing things better than others and this makes them easy to spot. They can't stand loosing in arguments and when insulted (which can happen quite often) they will do whatever passes from their hand to take revenge. However some of them will be trickier to spot as they will feel competitive only in some domains while they will stay completely indifferent in others
Morality: Weak VS Strong Super Ego People with weak Super Ego will do whatever passes from their hand to get them selves satisfied. They don't care what society dictates and as a result they will do things that are considered immoral by people with Strong Super Egos. If this is taken to an extreme they will kill, steal, lie and get in bed with anything that moves, just to get their pleasure: They have no moral inhibitions and this infuriates the Strong Super Ego characters who sit at the other end of the scale, looking like nuns. When the two of them meet, things usually don't go so well.
i woner if i can use this on my.. always-argueing parents?!!..
i just want them to get along good and be happy.
Mum: cleans everythins in the house a dosen times. therefore she dont have time to learn anything. NOT EVEN THE LANGUAGE OF THE COUNTRY SHE IS LIVING IN!
Father; tired of life, because mum doesn't want to listen and learn..
Even if, they argue, you are loved by them. Your happiness has nothing to do with what they do.
You are not your parents.
Find a family psychologist in your area and take only one rdv with him so he/she can answer you the above question and then move on with your life. That's why coaches exist... they've studied those things.
i see that takin my parents to a family psychologist sounds like a good idea, BUT. ...
my parents are muslim and turkish. they just don't do things like that, like to go to a psychologist.
by the way. if you go to a psychologist, you have realized that You have a problem. neither one of them have accepted that they have a problem..
plus they are proud people. and proud people do not go to a psychologist. (ps i like psychology.. im thinking of that if i learned "psychologist stuff" i could maybe help them myself.. but i think i am just being naiv thinking of that could happend..
sometimes i guess no matter how you try you cant help your parents and your family.. and thats where or when you should realise you should maybe start looking after yourself and make sure you and your life is happy and is going well!!!
You are right about proud people and that is why they trap themselves in local max ... Do not pass your whole life trying to help your parents.
You are you and your parents have made their choises. Make sure you accept them and MOVE ON. They will make it. You will make it also. Be bold and do not adopt their thoughts. Life is too short for that...
hi there,in my life there is so much negativity with relationships.. parents live in seperate rooms both my grandparents hate each other but stick it because of their ahe..my aunties and uncles have had divorces..and my boyfriends family envovels scandals and cheats. ive fallen n love with my boyfriend and im so afraid everyone-elses relationships is how we will end up being im 21 and think im scared of love?? please help
In no case we are specialists and our answer is based on our biased, highly personal opinions. illy:' />
You are the one who is sitting behind the wheel. Not your genes, not your parents and certainly not your uncles. Nobody but you. You choose what you think, you choose what you do and you choose who will you become.
Under that filter, you have nothing to fear. You are the captain and whatever other people say should seem to your ears, a foreign language.
If you choose to become that person that will live a sincere, happy life you will become that person. When I say believe I don't mean the weak "Oh, I believe sir " but rather the hard nosed "I BELIEVE" that can bring walls down. If you want it with all your heart, even if you get hurt through the process, in the end you will find one man that will be able to give you back what you are searching for. Beauty is there for them that know how to seek for it.
The choise is yours, not of the others.
However, this decision will neither come from a 'quick fix response comment' nor from reading a site in the internet. It is hardly a fix because there was nothing wrong in the first place. You only have to come in contact with the part of your self that KNOWS how the game should be played. It is in there, inside YOU, sitting under the surface, waiting for you to bring it up and akwnoledge it. Seek it.
The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.
~ C. Castaneda
my girlfriend of six years just decided to run off with my best friend out of the blue. She was abused growing up and had to raise her brothers on her own. She has four children and is a financial mess. She told me she loved me but just ran out of gas in the relationship. She has a history of dating married men and is in the process of losing custody of her 4 children. My best friend has been married for 20 years and has a 10 year old daughter. He asked his wife to leave and moved my girlfriend in immediately after. How long will this mess last for them.
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hi......... whats the solution when a boy admired a girl and made love with her for 5 long years.if she rejects him still knowing how genuine he is.. what shall the boy do.he is in situation that he cant forget her in her life.he is scared of what happens to his future,he never imagined his life without her and want her to see happy through t his life what he should do now.she has one bad habit of flirting
hi there mani... as a girl myself i can tell you from a girls point of view..what is or might be going through your girlfrend mind...it might be that she flirts because she doesnt get the attention off u in the way she wants it from you. so she's flirting to get that attention.. another reason might be she is not ready to settle down in a serious relationship or maybe the relationship (might be hard to hear..) has fizzled out and her flirting is her way of letting you know she wants to move on.. i know its such a horrible feeling when a realtionship espeacially as it has lasted for so long comes to an end and you can't understand why..!? but i do believe everything happens for a reason, you have to be strong and let her go.. who knows who's around the corner
Hello, im a teenager and need to know if i should make a move on a friend of mine. She has a boyfriend but flirts with me and shows all the signs of wanting a more personal relationship. Of course i cant be sure and dont want to put her in any awkard situation or damage our relationship at all. Should i do anything or should i stay quiet?
I do not know my friend. Life is about taking responsabilities and accepting the risks or the gains: Only you know. If things go bad you should accept the loss of a friendship and if things go well then you are going to be the only one having fun. Nothing else matters.
My way of thinking is: a) Better to say I've tried something and it didnt work than regret you didnt try later and b) there are many women outhere and you statistically you will get more women by trying and failing than not trying at all.
In the end you should be the one that decides and takes the responsability. Take a deep breath and decide. Life is about daring, burning the finger, trying something different, daring again, and this time having fun.
Learn to take responsabilities. Do not care about that 'one' girl. There will be many after her.
What does it mean if i dont feel the need for social interaction with not all people but most (I do find a few charming women that capture my attention from time to time but for everyone else i have to fake it) and in most cases i dont apply myself to a conversations other than what is neccisary to be polite. Is this selfishness or arogance? Or am i doing something else wrong? I dont wish to intrude on the above question
There is no right or wrong. There is only what is best for *you*. Build your own way of doing things in life and do not adopt what I or some other person will tell you is 'right'.
Unless it is necessary for professional reasons, I would go for being honest. If you find a conversation boring you can either take the responsability and make it more interesting or bail out from it.
PS: Internet is ok for advices but make sure that before you adopt a belief or an opinion discuss it with as many people you can from your social circle (family, buddies etc).
I based my entire life on making my self successful and I haven't made it anywhere.. I am 26 and now in my first year of college. I want to do bigger and better things but i cannot render... the umph to do so, nor do i know where to start..
Instead of being succesful for ego satisfaction you need to improve in something that interests you:
- Bring the right kind of woman(en) next to you
- Make money if that is your thing.
- Find an art that YOU like and become good at it because you like it.
You just wrote two lines and I do not know what happens in your mind exactly but you seem to generalise things. You havent made it ANYWHERE ?
You must have learned SOMETHING! I mean just by sitting an afternoon at my house and just by watching the house I learn things about the usage of products, the decoration mistakes I ve done or my homegrown spider habits.
You want to do bigger things in WHAT scale ? With what criterion ? Who is that will decide that you did well or not ? You father ? The success imaginary persona that the media cultivate ?
I am not a specialist but here are some pointers that have helped a GREAT deal my evolution;
What is your commitment to your goals ?
Are you using positive visualisation ? Do you SEE your dreams ?
Are you stopping distractions from deviating you from your goal path ?
Do you feed your confidence ?
Do you learn from your errors ?
Hope that it helps.
You are your own coach. Learn how to be a good one, too.
alright alright , what do i do in a situation as for i have a boyfriend and i know deep inside him he's a good person but he has people around him that give him the bad influence? and not only that but also that people tell me that hes not good enough and that just makes me dought him more and more. ?
Good is very vague please try and narrow down ? Do you mean moral with your criteria ? Do you mean that he doesnt steal ? He wants to save the world ? He is not selfish ?
If you define a bit that could clarify the situations. I do not know the guy but I know that by changing the questions that you pose you can get better answer.
"Is he good enough ?" is very generic. Try narrowing down.
like, good as in he's good person inside him but when he's around his "friends" he thinks he so tough and ends up doing bad things like yes stealing, smoking and stuff like that .
and also, that hes not goodd for me cause of all the things he does.
I am more interested in the relationship between you and him than on the fact if HE is going to change or not. Here are some thoughts:
a) You and your friend have different values. Duh.
b) He wants to prove his manhood and this may stop or may deteriorate. I would presume that he is younger than 24. If he is older than that then probably he is going to get in greater troubles.
c) Women very often are attracted to some form of bad boyness... Bear in mind that you can find this form of bad boyness elsewhere without the stealing but with the same tough characteristics.
d) Beware, the "I want to save him" syndrome. You may end up investing time and energy to become his angel and take him away from this kind of activities. Time passes by and you end up getting more and more invested in that 'project'. Avoid that trap. Choose how far you are willing to go to your emotional investment now and eject when time has come and you havent seen any results.
f) Very often, we tend to have some imaginary prototypes in our heads and we fell in love with them. Then we suggest and convince our selves that the person we love is similar to that prototype while we ignore the hints for the opposite. This mechanism makes us stay in love with someoene when elsewhere could be better in every sense of the way.
g) I do not know your friend. I cannot cold read him. I really think however that you should talk with many people and get their opinions. Nobody knows if he is going to change or not.
You are the only person responsible for this decision. Remember, that you can always control your 'falling in love' and 'attractiveness' feelings.
h) I do not know the power dynamics of the relationship: How pretty you feel and how charming you think he is. I do not know if the relationship is based on egos or not. However, remember that there are many men outhere that you can get and keep that are far better than your actual man. This is the only certain fact in this answer.
If there is one thing you should never try to do that would be to stop your feelings!!
Instead try to rechannel your energy towards other type of aggressive, tough males. Actually you do not even have to rechanell. All you have to do is to allow yourself to observe other males around you: the way the move, what they say, how they react etc. Now you may say to yourself that no I will just remain a good girl. There are males outhere that are much more tough than your boyfriend but do not do 'illegal' or 'bad' activities. You should just meet them.
It is called an alpha male and there are plenty out there, you just have to have your eyes open!
Boxers, fighters, soldiers, aggressive traders, salesmen, hard working males, crazy artists, dancers of some kind could be a good candidate. Those same kind of bad boys also look for a woman to have sex and to cuddle with her. Believe me when one of this male stands next to your guy everything will seem different.
Do not try to go out in order to find another male. Be with him but when you are out OBSERVE with every detail how other men behaAn looking has always been around you.
LOOK, SMELL, TOUCH but avoid thinking. If it happens, it will happen. Hard thinking will always make your feelings bad.
Again good luck. It is only a game, allow yourself to experience it.
Wow I guess Im not the only one I tottaly feel for you I have just come out of one such relationship. and I have to say everything you have stated from your friends saying your too good for him to seeing that he is good and can be better.
The thing is does he want to be "better"? Does he really want things in his life to be diffrent, the guy I liked did and relized it was all stupid it was just hard for him because of previous actions in his life thats all he grew up knowing.
For me it wasnt exactly a "wanting the tough alpha male" because whene away from his friends it was like his whole act faded away and his true potential shined. He has to RELIZE if how he is with his friends is that his true self and does he want that to be who he is.
If he wants to be the way he is with his friends your not going to have any sort of connection with him for long because hes trying to get rid of that "good" that you see, so its best not to get attached cause you wont have anything for long unless you allow yourself to be sucked into the same drain as him.
On the other hand there is that syndrom mentioned above about wanting to be the angel that saves him. For me I invested alot of my self into the guy and in the process of him improveing I began to gain bad habbits, thats why our relationship ended because my parents noticed obvious changes and then found out about the guy and his past (it also didnt help that he was almost 18 and I barley turned 15), so the relationship was forced apart.
If you feel like hes really worth it you do what you think is best wether to find a new guy or to comit time to the current one its up to you but if you comit to this guy dont fall in the same traps I fell in, keep the sense of yourself be the same person walking in to the situation as the one whos comeing out he is the one who needs to change (if he wants), not you just keep your gaurd up and good luck in what ya do =].
Too many MBA programs these days still focus on the business basics. Reading and understanding people is a critical part of success in any aspect of your life, not just business.
It sounds harsh, but I remember when Tiger Woods was on Oprah. She said something along the lines of the hardest thing you have to do when you become successful is to change your changes. I took this to mean that if your friends do not grow and support your goals, then you should move on and surround yourself with people who do. Much like an alcoholic should not work at a bar.
Friends and family can either push you or hold you back. This is known as support group phenomenon and it is very important, as humans we are very social beings.
Is there something wrong with getting to know a person because you like to figure them out and when you figure the individual out you become bored with the relationship and wind up ending it(this is not burning bridges) especially with the opposite sex.
No there is nothing wrong with that, most people do it.
Falling in love and staying in love is not the same game though. The first can be only a coup of hormones but the second is a bit more complicated.
Staying in love means not taking the other for granted, adding challenges and activities to do together, staying away from the TV, learning to help each other, not spending more time than necessary, learning to be with the other person and feeling OK WITHOUT HAVING TO DO SOMETHING (idling) (but still adding challenges later).
As a very favorite person of mine says:
A succesful relationship is not two people sitting and watching each other. A succesful relationship is two people sitting, side by side, looking something outwards (and it must not be the TV).
A final word, is that I think that falling in love involves a great deal of positive self dillusion, self hypnosis and positive visualisation: seeing the glass of water half full and not half empty.
No there is nothing wrong with that, most people do it.
Falling in love and staying in love is not the same game though. The first can be only a coup of hormones but the second is a bit more complicated.
Staying in love means not taking the other for granted, adding challenges and activities to do together, staying away from the TV, learning to help each other, not spending more time than necessary, learning to be with the other person and feeling OK WITHOUT HAVING TO DO SOMETHING (idling) (but still adding challenges later).
As a very favorite person of mine says:
A succesful relationship is not two people sitting and watching each other. A succesful relationship is two people sitting, side by side, looking something outwards (and it must not be the TV).
A final word, is that I think that falling in love involves a great deal of positive self dillusion, self hypnosis and positive visualisation: seeing the glass of water half full and not half empty.
I think you have done an excellent job. I know I'm late on reading this article, but I thank you for dedicating your time to informing others and helping the ones who need it. I hope that one day I can become as informed about the way people work as you are.
*We Speak England Very Best* Disclaimer
We may write in English but no one in this site is a native English speaker.Hey Jim? How do you spell New York, Jim?
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i see that takin my parents to a family psychologist sounds like a good idea, BUT. ... 
hi there,in my life there is so much negativity with relationships.. parents live in seperate rooms both my grandparents hate each other but stick it because of their ahe..my aunties and uncles have had divorces..and my boyfriends family envovels scandals and cheats. ive fallen n love with my boyfriend and im so afraid everyone-elses relationships is how we will end up being im 21 and think im scared of love?? please help 
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hi there mani... as a girl myself i can tell you from a girls point of view..what is or might be going through your girlfrend mind...it might be that she flirts because she doesnt get the attention off u in the way she wants it from you. so she's flirting to get that attention.. another reason might be she is not ready to settle down in a serious relationship or maybe the relationship (might be hard to hear..) has fizzled out and her flirting is her way of letting you know she wants to move on.. i know its such a horrible feeling when a realtionship espeacially as it has lasted for so long comes to an end and you can't understand why..!? but i do believe everything happens for a reason, you have to be strong and let her go.. who knows who's around the corner 
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