A way to STOP verbal ABUSE - Dealing with STUPID arguments - Verbal self defense
No person is important enough to make me angry
~ Carlos Castaneda
Stop Verbal Abuse
Yes, you are at a restaurant sitting at the table with your co-workers. You are minding your own business and you are about to eat. But right then John arrives. And you know EXACTLY what happens when HE arrives: He makes fun of you, he harasses you to an extent that reminds you of a car full of bullies and Forrest Gump running top speed in front of it. You see, he not only knows how to make a joke but he seems to understand your weak spots better than your own mother. When you finally FIND something to say back to him, he answers: "Hey don't get angry now. It is just a joke ... man. HA HA HA".
HAR HAR HAR laughs the group together with him and he reminds you of some pirate you saw in some film... But brother... you ARE SO angry. And as you realise that, he ... does another wicked come back, with an EVEN BETTER joke. A NEW laugh comes ROARING upon you. Some other random guy in the back says: “Oh, he got you now for good! He got you with that one! HAR HAR HAR”. Bloody pirates everywhere.... You search for something to say back. Something to say back. Zip. Nada. Null. It seems that all WORDS have left on vacations, leaving nothing but EMOTIONS to run that show.
The WORST of emotions: You are full of anger and rage.
... Welcome to the lovely world of verbal abuse and harassment, where no nose ever bleeds but some times you wish it would: His nose.
How do you deal with stupid arguments? - How to stop bullying
Stupid arguments are said to be around since humanity spoke its first word. Well the intention was already there but it could not be verbalised yet. What are the mechanics behind a stupid argument? The reason behind verbal bullying is that some people want to make fun of others in order to feel more important. It is a dumb way to hide inferiority syndromes, to seem more important to them selves, to challenge your authority and finally to impress the woman sitting next to you. There are some people walking out there with really MESSED UP Egos...
During flirting most women will try and test you, to see whether you can handle social pressure or not. This is called a congruency test as to if you are congruent with your external 'cooler' image. It is a kick at your feet to see whether you will fall or you will stand. Are you an Alpha Male? It is quite a sad fact that most of this planet's population understands only two words: Submission Psychology. Men will step on your feet and they will not step off until YOU become more domineering.
Domination. You may not like it, by it has always been like that. As much as you want to believe the opposite, a simple tour through your local history library WILL convince you for that. Most of human history is a struggle for domination and this also arises by some wicked, fractal coincidence in the micro scale of everyday human behavior. This phrase I just wrote had the same beauty and the same charm as an orphan producing car accident. Sorry, kids your father left you only debts.
What does a verbal abuser wants from you – And you should never give him.
In two-and-a-half words: Signs of Submission. Now, don’t take me wrong on this one, please don't. I do not speak about Pulp-Fiction-Apple-In-The-Mouth type of submission. What I am talking about is small, subtler changes of your body language that will show to him or her that he/she succeeded at making you feel strange:
- Break of eye contact.
- Change of colour.
- High pitching voice / defensiveness.
- Any jerky movement.
- Over blink.
- Any emotional reaction.
Bullies feed from the above like sharks in deep water. Stop the bullies. If you do any of the above means that you are reactive. Here, we look for non reactive. You see, people come in two basic flavors. Those that need external points of validation in order to feel good and the rest that decide by themselves for how they will feel (internal points of validation). The first flavour of people are a leaf in the wind, they always care about what other people think and they make sure they always follow the social norms. Symbol: the dog. He always cares about what his master says. The second flavour does not give a damn about what other people think or say. They only care about what they think. They are usually very independent and they don't get easily intimidated by other people's judgement. The problem with this kind of people is that they will do fewer things to improve their life situation because frankly, they just do not give a damn. Symbol:the bear. Independent and wild. Most people we live somewhere in between those two extremes. When two people meet in a room, several funny things happen. There is one that is more important: The conversation is controlled by the RECEIVER of the information.
Let's write down that again.
He, who listens, controls the interaction. Not the other way around. When a person says something to you, he wants *some kind* of feedback. If not, he would have never said it. Let’s say, for example, that you think that I am a cool guy. Why, tell me? By taking the decision to tell me, even unconsciously, you are actively looking for some kind of reaction from me. Let’s say, you think that John is stupid.(There is always a Johny in the story, dummy. Always). This is a fact in your mind. You do not need to tell him. However, by deciding to do so, it means that you look for some type of reaction from him. You may want to make him feel bad, or you may wish to prove to someone that you are more important. Proof for the above is that very few people actually talk when they are by them selves.
Well there are some that do, but that’s another story.
What to say, what not to say and how to slaughter the dragon.
Here you have three types of choices:
- Passively dominate him .
- Out frame him.
- Show him, who he is. Be radically honest with him/her
I go most of the time for the first one. Passive domination . Here the frame is that you do not care at all about him, and that you have not been intimidated. The more passive your reaction, the more energy conserving, the more you come from a position of power. In any given social interaction, the person that reacts the least is socially more important. We tend to overreact only towards persons that pose a threat to us or persons that have a higher social status from us.
This has happened for evolutionary reasons: Many hundred thousand of years before some human went in an settlement or village and started to behave as dominant without having the social status to back it up. Well guess what. The chief of that ancient community felt the threat and made sure to erase his genes out of the gene pool. The others have made sure to pass that knowledge through social norms and through teaching. This is why you brain will dictate one behavior when you talk to your boss (higher than you social status) and a completely different behavior when you speak to your friends. In evolutionary terms your brain still lives in those ancient times and for all it understands the world is still a huge tribe. So it blocks you in order to protect you. However, you CAN unprogram this behavior. Use this knowledge to your benefit by reducing your emotional reactions and by cutting your body language speed at half. People constantly scan the subcommunicating cues of others as a sign for how THEY should behave and this makes the carrier of a message FAR MORE POWERFUL than the actual message itself.
For not very serious situations: a good, funny method to achieve the above is by repeating whatever he/she had said. This is not only funny if said with the right tone but also saves you from the effort of having to think what to say next. This approach is also known as the verbal mirror and it comes in flavors: you can say it with the same tone that he said it, you can say it with an exaggerated tone of his way of talking or you can use an idiot tone - with a foreign accent :). This last is very effective as people laugh with your accent but attach the feeling of hostility to the other person.
Ignore him (ACTIVE IGNORANCE). Do not look at him, do not answer him. Pretend, that you didn’t even hear what he just said and do that by thinking of something irrelevant. What this does is that it shows to the other person that what he just said, was so dumb that you didn’t even process it. Continue talking on with another subject and at another person, like he never, ever, said it: This is the best Neutral reaction. If he tries to say it again then he is a try hard.
REMEMBER: You are not obliged to answer logically at every question people throw at you.
After a dumb question:
Make him wait before you give him your response. This shows that you are not intimidated by him, and that you are non reactive. You can answer something crazy and irrelevant. You can over exaggerate what has already been said against you.: "blah,blah, you are afraid!".You answer with a good eye contact: "Oh, yes I am peeeeetrified. I piss my pants every 23 minutes minus 3 gay seconds". You can give a post question.
For example: Where did you buy that T-shirt ?? Where did YOU think I bought if from?". "Where were you man yesterday?."Where do YOU THINK I was?". You can answer cryptically. Make them work before you give them the answer. All times great: HIM:"Hey, why do you blah, blah?".“Do you like lemons, do you believe in God ?”. Figuring out what you meant by that post-question will need some serious mental gymnastics.
If you have woken up from the crazy side of the bed then you can add a twist to that and add a double negation: "What weren't you thinking of right now, buddy ??? Answer ME pleeease".
Out Framing This is a big subject that comes from NLP AKA Neuro Linguistic Programming. Nothing has a meaning of its own. As Shakespeare once said: "We give meanings at things that happen to us". The meaning of something in the conversation is called the *frame* of the conversation. Any second-level-meaning is called a Metaframe. In NLP, a Frame Game is a game two people play with a specific outcome to be achieved. Imagine someone saying to you: "Hey, you are not tough enough". He tries to set you in a frame game: You have to prove whether you are tough or not. His frame is that you do want to prove that you are tough.
Here however comes the catch.
If you are trying to prove your self worthy to him/her this means that he is ALREADY in a position of value. He is already 'tough'. This second clause is silently passed with no processing, you are silently accepting it and from that point on you are fighting your way uphill. This is a META FRAME: A second, silent meaning (He is up ther judging you and you are down here trying to prove your self to him).
Don't accept unhealthy frames that people throw to you.
He Who Sets The Frame Controls The Game.
When people start throwing dumb arguments at you, they want you to accept a certain frame game. By not accepting it you are passively dominating them. However, you do have other solutions also : Out framing them. This is the old school equivalent of having something smarter to say back. Thinking outside of the box is always better as any tech fun can tell you.
In a general rule of thumb, you should never seem like defending yourself. You should always keep the ball at his court.
- "What answer would satisfy YOU for the X?"
"If you don’t know the answer how would I Know?".
- "Are you asking that from a genuine point of interest or not?".
- If he generalises about something by saying something like: “All Italians are macho”. Then you can make his opinion looking very ridiculous because you reduce it down to one very slim meaning. Like: “Oh, you mean that anyone that has been born in Italy, is by default macho? I did not know man you have been reading statistics in your free time.”.
- You could ask questions like:
- WHO says that?
- WHEN?
- WITH WHAT CRITERIA?
- You can always use this one: “Oh I think that what you TRY to say,is blah blah”. You are making him look a bit less clever by correcting his phrase.
- If he says something slightly mean: You can always ask: "Why on earth would you, say something like that? Did you have a bad day or something?".
– Name the Game and Reveal the Player
Well... the only thing you just have to do is to name what game he is playing on you and show it to him. If for example, you ask for a chair and someone says “Go elsewhere, I don't want to give it to you...”. You say, “Look at you.You must be one of those that like to make people feel bad, in order to feel better.” If he says: "Look at your shirt, it is so cheesy. Where did you buy it, man ?? Tell us, so as not to go there" Answer back: "Oh, you are of those that are impolite. Where did you grow up. Ok, I do not want to know.... Nice try, mate". This approach packs a punch while saving you valuable energy as you do not have to think a lot to make it work ;).
All you have to do is to tell the other person how he/she makes you feel: "You make me feel bad when you say this. Stop it." or "Oh, you say this because you want to feel good by making me feel bad. I resent you for it". If you have to remember something from this article is this: Say exactly what you feel and what you think. Reality is often more devastating for these type of toxic persons, than any other 'manipulating technique'. You can make the situation even more interesting if you add a cunning smile to it: "Aaaah, I see you tried to make a joke there". (foxy smile). "Did you say that to make me feel bad ??". "I see what you are doing here", and ... repeat what the metaframe was: Try to play smart etc.
The way you touch someone reveals a lot on what you think about him/her. However, it should be clear that this applies more to male to male encounters as women are much more subtle than men. The more you feel confident about your self the more your way of touching other people will be dominant.
When, someone touches you while talking to you, you should notice two things: the height of his touching point and the decisiveness of his hold. Touching someone at the elbow is less dominant than touching someone at the neck and holding someone firmly is more dominant than touching or even poking. Having said that one should notice that close friends will hold each other in a more dominant way than people that just met but this only happens because it is well intended.
If you do not know the other person very well and he tries to touch you in a dominant way, you have the following options:
- Tell him you do not like to be touched like that and take his hand off your neck, elbow or whatever he is trying to hold. Do not wait for that: this should happen immediately after he lays a hand on you. When someone touches you at the right side of your body take his hand off using your left hand and when he touches you in the left side of your body use your right hand to do that. This is a good habit and if you are a martial artist, it will open the way for a lock - if that becomes necessary :).
- Do not say anything and just take his god damn hand off - no need for eye contact for that. This shows to the other person that you do not even care about his contact - it is a good reflex to have.
- Repeat the same gesture he hust did. I do however find this approach less effective as it can provoke negative emotions to both you and the other person. Remember that being assertive is always the best solution.
The moment you do this act you should feel that you are being just, honest and assertive. This way, you will be able to continue the conversation without bad, hostile emotions. You are not being aggressive, you are just being honest and this is OK. You are helping another human being that does not know how to behave to not lose the conversation with you. We are all children and some times we must be treated like one. This goes for verbal abusers, too. So, this is about guiding a child and not about beating a child.
Stay away from these people
A person that has this kind of behaviour and says these kind of things is called a petty tyrant. He or she is very useful because it permits you to learn a whole a lot of new ways of defending your self and manipulating other people. But after toying with them and being sure that you've learned something, do one more thing: Get the hell away from them. These persons are energy absorbers and in the long run you have nothing to win from them. Let them learn what does the word Rejection stand for - the hard way. Society has a funny way of taking care of these people: In the long run, it alienates them. Some of them may change their behaviors but most of them will not. It takes time to learn the GOLDEN LAW of human relations:
People like you because of the way you make them FEEL.
People that haven't figured that, they lack a lot of social intelligence and that is a signal that they are not very smart. Stay away from dumb people. Have fun with these games. Keep nasty people at bay.
What may be more challenging is implementing these tactics in a professional setting, for example between a coworker and a boss. You'd obviously have to be more careful in your dealings so your position is not compromised.
Hi There! I just wanted to thank you for the great descriptions and suggestions, including comments and how to think about verbal abuse. I have needed the help for a long time as well as my two teenage children.
I would appreciate any more info or web sites that might help with this ongoing problem with my family and exhusband.
Thank you.
Well...
This helped abit but also told me things I already knew.
I'm in a drama group at school with 4 guys and 1 girl and they always gain up on me and make cruel jokes about me and make me look bad. I'm so nice and don't do anything but they still continue to do it. Yesterday I just gave them all dirty stares. And that kind of shut most of them up.
Today we have drama so I'm gonna give whoever made a cruel to me a dirty stare then start a new conversation with someone else - like I didn't hear anything. I have a feeling it will work!
Good website btw.
Very interesting reading. I prefer the last method, of naming the game and revealing the player. It is incredibly effective against these types of people, especially if you can profile them. Take a look at this article http://happybrainstorm.com/index.php/How-to-figure-people-out-Machiavelli-Psychology-Profiling.html
You can often say something like "You're just compensating for your insecurities by trying to dominate people around you. It doesn't make anyone think you are important or worthwhile." You can also add in jibes about their parents (use profiling to determine whether this will be effective, ie. how they relate to women) ie."You obviously didn't get enough attention from your parents when you were younger, leading you to a fear of intimacy, and a constant need to dominate other people."
Something like this will generally leave your opponent gobsmacked. Add a few large words in there and they'll have no hope of recovery. It helps if people around you are paying attention. Also, by pointing out something like 'the females around you think you are a tool, not Mr. Slick' it may point out what he is doing to people who had not yet realised, and also holds them accountable if they decide to encourage his actions any further, by laughing or otherwise.
The direct approach is much more simple and powerful. You have a good remark for the last point this way you try to get 'the audience' at your party.
As you say, most of these people are blind to their own weak points and this fast counter argument - profile will block them as they will try to find something to say back and think if what you said is true at the same time.
i have problems with people telling me what i deserve to do and what i don't and then they say unkind things like sharon your witch .sharon your bitch . telling that idon't deserve anything good . the one social worker gives me a nasty look like i don't deserve to do anything with my life .laughing at me in a mean way . i have been taking my own vactions and people are mean about it i have neibors that are very controling and mean . they have threated to kill me .turned people against me .told lies . fallow me around .they don't live alone . sharon quigley
If you cannot deal with your own anger, it may be dangerous not only to your fellows, but first of all to you. There is such a problem in psychology - for more info visit this site http://rapid4me.com
Sarah(changed for privacy)
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THis article helps a little
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2009-05-29 19:54:34
My brother always is making fun of my outfits and a problem i have with my eyes.I ignore him and try to stay away from him but that just plain doesn't work at all.Hes really nice at times but that can suddenly switch to him saying "hey whats with the shorts?Haven't you worn those yesterday?" When really i had just got them on a hour ago.I cry a lot cause of this and my mom helps a lot but when shes not around what do i do?
Hi. If a person is trying to annoy you do not react to it or just look at him with a smile. I made this conclusion because indifference hurts more than anything else.
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Hi. If a person is trying to annoy you do not react to it or just look at him with a smile. I made this conclusion because indifference hurts more than anything else.
P.S. The best torrents search engine
http://www.queentorrent.com
Saying something completely random in response helps. For example, "I like butter mints," or "I've been wanting to go to Lowes to buy a roll of duct tape and a low flush toilet".
It sure is an issue among our community. First off, I would like to say that verbal abuse will probably not seize anytime soon, however, dealing with the strange people we have, on occasion I come across people such as you describe. This isn't boxer training for you, this is human training. And the only way to stop it is to avoid it.
*We Speak England Very Best* Disclaimer
We may write in English but no one in this site is a native English speaker.Hey Jim? How do you spell New York, Jim?
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ide:' /> that was very helpful i am a constant reciver of bully wrath, and nothing ever seems to work for me. thanks. 
This is EXACTLY what I needed!!! 
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