Happy Brain Storming

How to make a conversation and BE the center of attention - social skill development

How well can you captivate and hold the attention of a whole group of friends?

Most people think that this is something that either you are born with either you are not . Well if you think like that, then prepare to CHANGE my friend. Because being the center of attention, it is a form of art that CAN be learned. There are people that enjoy playing football and others that like dancing.

Who is exactly that guy - Leader Of The Pack.

Unlikely with what most people think, the leader of a group is not the guy that talks all the time, but instead, it is the person everybody is talking TO. It is the person that when a decision is about to be made, everyone will look at him in order to make that decision. In groups if someone decides to say something, he will FIRST give the leader the longest glance. A leader of the group doesn't have to be the alpha male, it can equally be the sexy alpha female .

Now in order to start becoming that person there are several techniques that can be used.

Grab the attention of the speaker - take the microphone and sing.

The wrong way to do this, it is by trying to force your voice upon the current speaker. Not only it looks 'try hard' but it is guaranteed that with every time you fail to get that attention, your status will move one click down.

The best way to do it, it is by looking intensely the current speaker at his soft eye. In order to learn how to do that have a look here. When he looks at you LOCK your eye contact. Breathe deeply. For a split second his internal dialog will silence and you can take the advantage of that small pause in order to start your phrase. Make sure to have a slow, resonating voice and avoid jerky phrases.

Of course if there is already some silence, then you can always start first the conversation.

Touch as many people as you can. This will make them feel closer to you. Do it like it is not a big deal.

If you are the newcomer at that group, chances are, that the moment you will first try to speak EVERYONE will try to listen to what you have to say. This is your opportunity my friend, in order to start captivating the group. Now, sing god damn it!

Social ladder. Every social group consists of people with different 'social buying temperatures'. Some will speak easily to a newcomer, while others that think that have a big status will never give you the necessary attention right away. What you can do is to form a smaller circle of people that are easier to grab their attention, start having fun with them and THEN attempt to bring in the more hard nuts of the group.

Learn how to listen. Listening is the best and most passive way to build rapport with another person. Make good eye contact and adopt a face that is completely neutral. Smile but do it in correlation with what the other person is saying to you. This will make the other person FEEL that you are really paying attention to her and you are not just over reacting. This mistake is very often done, when we talk to persons of high status or women of extreme caliber. Boys, stop the drooling.

Try not to miss the free informations. It is like every time someone talks to you gives you small phrases that are an opportunity for you to open a conversation. You should see it as little hooks that dangle in front of you and you should use them ot open a conversation..

Make open ended questions. Open ended questions are questions that cannot be answered with a mere yes or no. This will make the other person speak to you. 'So how do you know each other?'. Questions that start by how, when, why, who, what help that process.

A good idea is to ask them about themselves. Most of the time they will be MORE than willing to talk about that.

Closed end questions are a killer and should be avoided as much as possible. Even more the more you make them, the more you blow your chances of making rapport because you come as a try hard.

'Do you come often here?' > Yes

'Nice shoes. Are they new?'. > ... Yes

'Do you like french fries?'. > Get lost...

N.Boothman put it really nice when he said that conversation is like a match of tennis and the words exchanced are like a ball that bounces back and forth. If the ball gets of court then you make an other question that will get the conversation back going. A good open question is like a good serve. Hit it hard!

During the conversation you must elicit good feelings from her. Calibrate. Look out for what he or she is after. People stay with you because of the way you make them FEEL GOOD and not because you are cool or very intelligent. If during your conversation, you make them feel nice, then when you will start a new conversation with someone ELSE they will want to join ALSO. 'So tell me, how happy were you when you marked that goal?'.

Shock and Owe

A way to be interesting is by provoking shock and owe. This is a classical social skill that will GUARANTEE make you seem something MORE than interesting. Here, your goal is to amaze with a positive way and to provoke STRONG feelings at the other persons: From that point and on during that conversation you will be someone that cannot be taken as granted.

Example is: YOU: I still can't believe what happened today.... Well, I just got off for a few days out . Oh. I forgot to tell you that I was in prison the past 4 months for tax evasion and.... SHE: (Amazed). What? YOU: Yes, yes indeed. Very bad time with many hairy men. Not a fun thing to do but happened.... SHE: (Looking at you and her friends). True? YOU: (SHOUTING) For goooood's sake NO! You are such a little kid. SHE: (Hitting you and laughing because she was amazed) You bloody bastard!! I believe people so easily....

Up to the moment I don't know anyone better to that than Brian Blessed. Check him out....

If you want to influence the decision of the group you must be ALREADY a member of the group. In order to become so you must FIRST follow the decisions of the group and THEN try to lead the group. This means you cannot appear from nowhere and demand them to take some crazy decision. You are not a member of the group yet. Pace them and THEN lead them. Ladies first....

Merge the bubbles - oh, it is so FUN!

When you want to become the center of a group do not try to take over the attention of the whole group. If there are people already in a full blown conversation don't try to interrupt them unless you have something REALLY ground breaking to say. Any phrase except ‘Hey, I won the lottery, today’ will not likely stop their conversation. Instead, start by taking over the attention of the persons sitting back that do not participate actively at the ongoing conversation. Bring them in and make your self the leader of THAT subgroup. Then wait until the other group will stop their conversation and bring them in your conversation. Now, you HAVE a whole group of your own. Congratulations. Would you prefer it shaken or stirred, sir?

When you have a conversation remember to be likable. Use an open and friendly alpha body language and avoid to lean in all the time. The most important though is that IT IS NOT IMPORTANT TO BE RIGHT when you talk. Even if you don’t agree with the other person, let him speak and talk with him. If you try to tackle his every argument, then the person will feel awkward with you and you will seem like a know-it-all. Don’t try to be logical. BE EASY GOING. Let the others be the expert. Conversations are meant to be a happy game between friends and not a logical break down of arguments. See the whole conversation as a way to exchange feelings. Work on IMPRESSIONS and not on logical arguments. If you really FEEL the urge to exchange arguments, find a sorority of law students and have fun with them. They love argumentation and you will feel better.

Avoid interrupting or ending other people's sentences. It is nerve wracking for the speaker.

Learn how to tell stories. People will not understand all the details of your stories unless you give them some feelings to connect to. So learn how to embed feeling in your stories. Be bold. There is a way to do it and a way NOT to do it. So make sure you know how.

Jokes. If you know how to tell them, it is a great way to make people like you. If not, don't even go near them. Avoid being the dancing monkey of the group. Make some jokes but seem indifferent from the outcome - that is if they will laugh or not.

The carrot and the whip. When people comply with your stuff reward them. A good pat on the back. A smile. If they say something strange, like a stupid argument (and they WILL in order to test your congruency), here is how to deal with them. But make sure to let a few pass, from time to time. This will show that you don't have a TOO sensitive ego.

Subliminal group influence - The dark side of the moon.

Whenever a conversation is going on, the persons that are listening are the most influential of all. They can stir the decisions of the group subliminally.

Here is how it happens.

Let's say that 5 people are having a conversation. Two are talking and looking at each other and the other three are sitting back and listening to the different arguments. Let's call the first two Speakers and the three latter Lazy Ones.

The facial expressions of anyone of the three Lazy Ones can influence the decisions of the whole group.

If every time Speaker A speaks, Lazy One B frowns then in the long run people will follow the person that gives the most independent non verbal phrase.

You see when someone talks everyone is watching him. What most people ignore is that at the same moment they watch all the people around him. They are in you peripheral vision and they can influence you subliminally.

The second important fact comes from group psychology. In any given group the person that has the most INDEPENDENT body language and emotional state will STEER the whole group towards that direction. He will become the leader. If there is a guy who is happy NO MATTER WHAT the others say, then the whole group will become happier. If at the other hand, someone is grumpy no matter what, then the whole group will stop vibing because of him.

That is why nobody likes grumpy people.

Example.

Do you know how to expel the dictator of a group with no blood spilled?

I once was with a group of new friends at a beach and there was this guy, who used to impose his opinions on others by talking loud or putting pressure on his friends. People would comply with him very fast. He made everyone feel strange.

So I decided to do a test.

I sat back for an hour and didn't say a word. Whenever he spoke I would frown and look really grumpy. Whenever someone else was talking I would smile. Soon, people started to mirror subliminally my negative feelings coming from my negative body language. So every time he was talking they would feel slightly awkward.

After the second failed argument of his, he looked at me. I smiled. He continued trying to convince them about something else. Nope, no success at this time either. He looked at me but I smiled at him like an angel. Result was that, that day NONE of his arguments was accepted and he became so frustrated that he left yelling at us. Everyone was happier!

One cookie for me - no points for him.

You can do the same in order to influence people’s opinions. When your buddy talks, you smile, when the other guy talks, you frown. It is that simple. Make sure though you sit back and you don't stand in the middle of the group. It must be subtle and not something that everyone can clearly see. Thy have been warned.

One last thing.

Whenever you meet a group you must BE THE ONE that offers energy to the group and not the one that steals it. You offer energy by telling stories, being humorous and showing something interesting to the group. Make sure you SMILE.

You steal energy by being the guy that always tries to repeat what others said or sits back waiting to be entertained. People that only wait to be entertained and never offer something to a group are generally not welcome and soon will become the black sheep of the group.

Be the happy one. Be the center of the world.