| Energy takers VS Energy givers |
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How do you know that YOU are not a burden to your friends ??
When I was younger I used to have a friend whose name was James. James was a simple but easy going guy. He was intelligent, he loved reading and he was handsome. He used to be a member of a larger group of friends that had stayed together from high school. Even during our university years, where our social circles exploded, we still continued to go out together and consider our group as an active one. But slowly, slowly the other guys started to get colder with him.
It took me some time to pinpoint the source of awkwardness. James was the guy that would never talk too much. For example he would never initiate the conversation and he would never say what he had in mind. But still he would call you almost everyday and he would ask you 'What's up ? What news, man ??? '.
As years passed, everyone in the group seemed to evolve to a new, more colorful character. Some passed the point of being interesting and entered the domain of being 'strange' but still they could not pass unnoticed when you had them in front of you. All except one. James. When he was out for a beer with us, he would never offer something to the group. He kept repeating something that someone else had already said, he never shared any stories and he never held our attention for longer than a minute. He was just sitting there, waiting to be entertained. Then one day I realised that if I didn't make an effort for the conversation, our interaction was doomed to fade out: He was too bored. Many years have passed since then and I am still a good friend with almost everyone in that group. All except one. James. He is no longer a member of the group and now I know WHY.
You see when someone is in a group he can only be doing one of two following things: a) He can either be offering energy to that group or b) He can be stealing energy from that group. You offer energy by being positive and by provoking positive feelings to the rest of the group. You steal energy by sitting there passively and wait to be entertained ( EVEN WORSE you could be offering negative energy). People like you because of the way you make them feel. So let's picture this. Imagine that you are a part of group of seven friends that are sitting in a bar and they are having a cool beer. In that group one or two persons will be doing the talking. He and the persons that are actively participating in the conversation are the ones that offer positive energy. The others, the ones that are just listening - they are the absorbers. In a good group of friends, persons will be alternating roles all the time. You cannot talk all the time. The ways to offer energy in an interaction can be counted with the fingers of a hand that has been playing with firecrackers: 1 - Story telling. 'Thou cannot believe what happened to me lazt week when I went to get my tongue pierzed...' 2 - Humour. Any use of humour ( canned or improvised ) is a great way to make people in the group feel happy. '... So the hippie grandson gets back to the house and asks his grandmother. "Hey granny have you seen my LSD stickers ???". Then his granny answers: "Forget the stickers my grand son. Can you tell me what on earth will we do with the dragons that we have in the kitchen ??". 3 - Positive thinking. Just be positive and enthusiastic (to a certain extent..). 4 - Participate in the conversation even if you don't feel that the subject is interesting. Learn how to have a small talk and how to chat about things that don't seem very important. "... and personally I love lager beer because the taste reminds me the first day I licked a...". 5 - Have a positive non verbal language AKA boooooooody language. This is a bit of a long chat but remember that your body language influences the others subliminally. So if you have a grumpy body language they will start to feel strange and it won't be long since they will anchor that feeling with the boring guy sitting next to them. 6 - Listen actively. Make the other feel that you are listening to what they are saying. Then give your opinion.
1 - You sit back without making any of the above, if you don't give a damn about the interaction or if you wait like a prince for 'something interesting to happen' ... 2 - If you make negative and toxic jokes about someone in the group ALL the time ... 3 - If you offer non positive feelings to the group with any other wicked way that we cannot think about right now... Then ... you are stealing energy from that group. And the ones that feel the toll the most are the energy givers. They feel that they have to talk all the time to keep the group going, they feel like they have to perform and this drains them completely. Every person has only a certain amount of positive energy to give every day. Let's say that for some is 10 euros and for others is 23 dollars. How should she or he invest them? Should she throw them all in a black hole and take nothing back? Or should he offer them at a group of givers that will give him back another 20 euros ?? This is the reason why givers become so popular and have multiple solutions for what will they do, not only Saturday night, but every other night of the week. While, on the other hand, energy takers end up with a few boring friends. For those among you that are givers and you feel that someone from your environment is draining you out, remember that you have the right to leave him and walk away. You cannot be there always to feed him with energy all the time. He must wake up and understand that IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO. Are you shy? Are you introverted? It's OK to be shy but please ... DON'T be lazy. It is one of the most insulting things you can do to someone. Make an effort for the interaction.
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