Happy Brain Storming

Social coaching How to make friends, how to make people like you

Two persons meet in front of the cafeteria machine. Mary is drinking a black coffee and so does Sandy. They talk a bit and after a while they part in different directions.

Two days later they bump into each other and they talk even more. Mary asks from Sandy if she can take a paper for her to the administration office. “Thanks a lot I really appreciate it”. They both do.

Sandy really FEELS that Mary is a person she can connect with. “She is a GOOD one!” she says. They start getting out for dinners and going to the cinemas.

Time passes and they end up being good friends. Soon after a crazy moment occurs and they end up getting married in Amsterdam and living in a canoe house with their dog Jey-Jey.

How many times haven't you lived the above sequence? But still again every time it feels like you start from scratch. Isn’t it that a bummer? Mmmmm? You think that every person you meet is a new person, but the truth is that underneath it all there is a pattern, ladies and gentlemen! The same pattern every time.

Nuts and Bolts of making people liking you - communication dynamics.

Psychology says that there is a list of simple steps you can follow, every time, in order to be liked.

[ Well, Psychology also says many dumb things, but we like her and we'll support her. She is a blond by the way. ]

So, here we go some social communication - social dynamics tips

First and foremost, it is best that you meet this person often enough in order to provoke familiarity.

You might consider a good idea to meet him when he is in good spirits, while you avoid him when he is not. Doing that he will anchor your presence with only good feelings. Exactly like a Coke advertisement.

Find familiarities between the two of you and talk with her about them. Stuff you both like.

Let him know, via a third person, that you like him. Yeah, man I DO like you. After all we like to be liked and we like those ones that like us. [ Huh? ]

Small wicked trick: Ask him a small favour. YOU ask him one and not the other way around. It may seem a bit like driving in the wrong lane but bear with me because there is a reason:

A phenomenon of backward rationalisation occurs here. You must like him in order to do him a favour. Isn’t that right? ;-) Have you ever given money to a beggar? Right after you did it you liked the guy more. Why? It is because your mind tracks back to give an excuse for your action.

The difference of a good body language versus a bad body language has been known for years now. The message can be of great importance but is HOW you say it that makes the difference. But what exactly judges your likeability?

- Body Language 55% - Speaking Tone 38% - Words 7%

That means you should be able to have a good attitude even when the other person is a bit cold or grumpy. Here is how to do it

Having a good attitude means you know what you want and NOT what you DON'T want. Means that you smile and you have a general positive attitude.

That means that when it has to do with people liking YOU, it is the way you carry your self and not just who you are that will make people like you or not.

Then you have to built rapport. That is a long post made short but you should keep three [ and some decimals ] things in mind. You don't have to do it for long, just the first five minutes are enough for a first contact.

-Match his posture. Mirror his body language. -Match his speech tone. If he is deep toned, try being a bit more deep, than your usual. -Match his speech rhythm. If he speaks fast do the same. If he speaks slow d.o t.h.e. s.a.m.e… with plenty .... of pauses.

I speak medium bass. I used to feel disconnected with people having a high pitched noise and even feeling intimidated by those really deep Pavarotti Death voiced guys. Now I know why.

The problem is that they, didn’t.

We like people that look, talk and walk, like us. It is, after all, narcissism all the way down.

One side note here. You should never, EVER try to mirror the body language of someone that is stressed and never use this during seduction. During seduction *you* should be the leader not the other way around.

Keep eye contact half of the time when, they talk to you, and 90% when you talk.

Make him feel nice next to you. Keep him excited, make him happy with jokes or nice stories.

Conversation. Do you really know how to hold a conversation without being obnoxious? Do you? There lies the art of small talk, active listening, open ended questions and story telling.

Make her feel proud about the things she thinks are important. If she likes being smart, let her know how proud you are after her exam.

You may click and learn how to give a great handshake.

Be positive. I said positive, not a clown. Try using only positive words and whatever negative terms you want to use, make use of negation. Small Fairytale: There is an old man with a moustache that lives between your ears where where you brain should be located. Maybe you haven’t been told about that, but that is the truth. I am your friend. I tell you everything. Because after all, you are, like me.

Every time you use a negative word to a person, the old man ( Who is called by the way, John. Aren't they all? ) opens a vault, with all the negative images and memories you have connected to that word and spills them on you.

Good thing is that the subconscious does not understand the negation so you can go around that.

Have a look at the phrase. “This is not pretty. I don’t feel very happy”.

Now look again. “This is ugly. I feel a bit depressed”.

They both mean the same. But....the first is neutral; It doesn’t carry the emotional baggage of the second one.

People are next to you from the way YOU MAKE THEM FEEL. So talk to them in a way that makes them FEEL NICE. People who try to outsmart everyone in the conversation are funny for themselves but people around them will generally avoid them.

YOU:”Hey John, guess what? I took my degree today.” HIM:”So, what? You think you are smarter now? Haaa “. What happens here is that he said something that made you FEEL not nice. If he keeps throwing more of those sarcastic jokes all the time then he will become obnoxious. One such sarcastic joke may be funny, two are ok but more that two can mean that the person that said them has some serious ego problems. In his head he probably thinks he is funny but he misses the most important point: At the end he will be considered appauling by other people and they will start to avoid him. The funny thing is that usually these persons RARELY see WHY this happens and that makes their inferiority syndrom even more acute. In the same category of social mistakes you have the person that tries to outframe everyone during a conversation. YOU:”Hey, I went for vacations this summer in a sweet little island and it was so nice. We stayed in a small hotel with a nice pool.” HER:”Yeah, but I went to this AMAZING place that had 10 pools and MY boyfriend was so cool because he new everyone there and…. blah… blah… bloody exagurated blah…”. It is like that everytime you do or say something the other person tries to be two times better or more interesting than you. Not nice. The persons that do this usually suffer from some inferiority syndrom. Last: Use Dale Carnegie’s advice. Don’t complain, don’t condemn and don’t criticize. Why don't you have a look on how to meet new people in a new city Hope it helped some people. Now I have to go and feed my pet, the Sheep. Don’t stay around much. Lion ding dong.

Some Good Links On The Subject

The nuts and bolts of being nice, brazen careerist

Making New Friends, teaching treasures

How to make friends in Social Networks, in Social Signal

How do I make Good Friends, Psychology Today

How to be a popular Girl, how to wiki

On being nice, video

How girls can make friends, childishly only for girls

On being liked by others, world net daily

Make New Friends, 43things Six ways to make people like you, recreation success What happens when we have No Friends, leeiwan Seven Simple Ways to Ruin Your friendship, paul's tips Law of attraction in frienship, Psychology Today Why Geeks Make Good Friends, imhelendt How to build a social life, from banal ablog Very nice The life of a social engineer How to build a circle, very organised Turn you life in a RPG and be social, where do geeks go after life? Why men make better friends than women How to build rapport, success insider

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